Death and Divorce

Last night, I heard from my mom, who had heard from my Aunt Connie--my father's sister--that my paternal grandmother--Zelpha--would be going to a hospice (if she isn't there already) and my father and stepmother were planning on divorcing. Of course, this isn't good news, but my feelings on this are complicated. I'm going to see if I an write about this and still seem halfway human about it. Note--December 8, 2012: we were misinformed. She won't be going to a hospice--it was just to the hospital, and now she'll be going to a rest centre. I can't be bothered to go through the rest of the paragraphs to edit it all out; a lot of it still applies, even though my grandmother won't die. It was just something I wanted to get out of the way.

I wasn't even born yet--probably not even yet conceived--when my first grandmother--Marie--died. You see, my mom was almost 39 when she had me (via C-Section, and I was 3 pounds, 10 ounces), and my maternal grandmother was almost 75 when she died. I was one years old when my maternal grandfather--Clinton Curtis--died, and was around the same age. So, by the time I was old enough to remember anything up to this point, all I had was one set of grandparents. From what I understand, my Dougan Grandparents would've been great to know had they been alive long enough for me to really know. I might not have always gotten along with them, but I'd nonetheless love them anyhow. Thankfully, I have a rough idea of what they were like in their children--my mom, aunts, and uncles. My paternal grandparents, on the other hand, never seemed that close with me. Not to say that they didn't like me, but... I'll be honest when I say that Grandma Zee's death isn't affecting me as hard as it "should" be, even though she's my last surviving grandparent--my grandfather Earl died when I was 13 after having suffered a stroke/collapse the year before and slowly weakening. I'm not exactly that good about grieving normally as it is--even though "we all grieve differently", I still feel out of place in that regard. On the other hand, I guess, after not even having a proper full set of grandparents throughout my life, it just feels less like I'm losing someone I care about and more like an inevitability I should just accept.

When I really think about this, it makes me wish I had some grandparents I could properly miss. I mean, sure, there was Grandma and Grandpa Dougan, but it's more of a "I wish I could've actually met them before they died" sort of thing than actually missing them. For that matter, I'm not so sure I was really close with anyone aside from my mother and certain members of my family until somewhere around 7th grade. It wasn't so much that I didn't understand love, but friendship seemed an almost half-distant concept until that point. So, when I lost my grandfather, I understood it but it never really struck me like it would a normal person. Then again, I'd probably grieve harder if one of my close friends died--someone I interact with often, someone I'm comfortable talking with... someone I actually know.

Another thing is that, for some reason, my father and stepmother decided to have a divorce after around 12 years of marriage. To be honest, though, I haven't really paid that much attention to their relationship. I sort of just assumed that things were okay, though I haven't been over there at their house since... Thanksgiving 2010? (So, yeah, basically, if they're a Nester or married into that family/in-law, I'm pretty much distant from them.) And I'm sure I've written about this before, but it would appear that nobody I actually know that's part of my step-family is Christian. I'm not even sure who all even believes in a god for that matter.