Friendship (Part 1)

Normally, I would be making this post about my first class at the U of A, and I'll do so in my next one. But, instead, I felt I ought to start talking about something that, if my friends don't know this already, you all should know. It's basically about friendship and how it affects me. And part of me doesn't want me to do this, as though it makes me look like I'm needing a pity party (trust me when I say this: I've gotten over the stuff in the following paragraph! I just wanted to get this out of my system). If I post this, then I've either reworded this enough so I don't think it'll come off that way or I don't even care. And, yes, I might be rambling a bit here.

I've thought about writing about this before I started this blog, but I imagined that it would be under different circumstances. And then I went and got all paranoid after a friend (who will remain nameless) said she would be going through what I would call Spring Cleaning of her friend list. We hadn't spoke in a while, and for reasons that now sound very stupid I thought I'd be lucky if she counted me as an acquaintance. Basically, I got (a little) paranoid about it and was looking for some closure (am I totally off-base about this or what?). Eventually, I got the answer I needed (I was wron about my assumption), calmed down... and got a reminder that I have a tendency to get upset/go flying off the handle.

And, as much as I hate to admit this, she's right. On the one hand, I try to keep this mask of "I'm calm, and everything's all right". On the other hand, sometimes things slip out. I get too nervous for my own good, uptight where I really need to chillll, upset where I don't really need to feel that way... And I can only imagine what my friends and family would add to that description. As with all that, deep down I'd know they're right.

Part of the reason that I acted that what is that, when I get right down to it, I'm afraid of losing my friends. For many years, I barely had any friends at all, and quite a few times it was only one person--when I did have one (or at least someone who'd interact with me that wasn't a relative), more often than not I took it for granted and didn't even recognise what I had, preferring to stay in my shell and rarely ever wanting to reach out. I took a lack of a meaningful social life for granted! Looking back at it all now, not only does it look weird compared to how I feel today, it simultaneously feels bizarre and makes quite a bit of sense in its' own way. As you've probably gathered by now, my social skills, especially before I moved to Arizona, weren't great. It was only when I moved to this region, to a small village called Pomerene, did things start to change.

In Benson and Pomerene, the class sizes are smaller, especially with the latter. As such, you can't just simply hope to hide in the background--eventually, you have to interact with your peers. Between 5th and 8th grade, cracks were definitely forming on my shell. I actually had a regular group of people that I could more or less wanted to interact with, and even spoke with on occasion. Unfortunately, for my dad (who I wasn't living with at the time), this wasn't quite enough. I could tell he was disappointed with the fact that I was so introverted, unlike him--even if he meant well, he made that clear enough for me to pick up on. And although I can't remember the details, he was hoping to change that at his speed, even if I wasn't ready--I'm guessing you can figure out how well that went.

Once I first started going to Benson High School, if nothing else I wasn't going in alone. Freshman year was, naturally, awkward, but at least I made a few more friends. Sophomore year built off from there, although the child support/quasi-custody battle between my mom and dad was a pain. Junior year was when a few things happened: I had joined the Drama Club, I was participating in Concert Choir, and I was starting more and more like I belonged to that school. Drama Club was good for making new friends and making me bust down more of my walls at a pace I was comfortable with, and Concert Choir not only allowed me to make more friends but express myself (something that I really liked). All that helped to add and cement my social network, making my time at Benson feel better.

With those changes, along with the ones I made from then onward (which I'll discuss in a later blog), eventually I just thought that I didn't want to go back to my old social life, where I was lucky to have (and should've been more thankful to have) the friends/people who actually cared that I had. And, as much as it can annoy me at times, those feelings can come out in ways that are just weird.